Have you ever felt like you’ve just had the HUGEST experience of all times, while at the same time it was so simple that it was profound?
That’s where I am right now.
Exactly one year ago today I boarded an airplane, with a backpack and a willingness to go wherever life wanted to guide me. I wasn’t exactly sure what had taken me over, and many of my family, friends, and students had questioned my judgment and perhaps even my sanity. I heard from one trusted source that a devout student of some years had said that she was “disappointed in me”. At first, I found that gut-wrenching… but with some time and distance I realize how many of us who are teachers carry the weight of whatever projections another cannot carry herself… That’s just the way it goes. So, now I simply find myself saying, “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do” when I feel projections coming to cage me.
And so, in that light, I disappointed a lot of people perhaps, … left yoga classes I had been teaching and communities I had been cultivating for years. Although there was no “naming” what I was doing, I knew I was crossing a threshold of some sort—and I couldn’t go back, nor could I continue on as I had—and so, I gave it all up… or should I say, I gave it all UP (to the ultimate giver), and I simply packed a bag, said my good-byes to those who still cared to listen, and I boarded that plane.
In the last year, I’ve wandered some and traveled some. I’ve led the most profoundly impactful retreat to date with women from across the globe. I’ve lived in the poorest, most dangerous places I’ve ever known, and I’ve gone on a walking pilgrimage :: 50+ miles in 10 + hours — with ten thousand others, all offering their lives to the Holy Mother… I’ve walked up a mountain-top and planted myself in a 10x10 square foot area for 8 days and 7 nights, alone, without food or water… praying, listening, and drinking the wind. I’ve made decisions that many who know and love me thought “crazy” or “irrational”, and yet… still I walked on. I walked on because I knew that I must, even if it meant I go alone.
I grew apart from those who didn’t want to grow in the same direction as I was g(r)owing, and I strengthened my connection to the few who knew that what I was doing was less choice and more destiny, and a necessary passage of initiation through which I must go.
I have attempted to “resurface” a handful of times, only to know that the timing was premature, and that I wasn’t ready. I’m still not entirely “ready”. But I’m close, that I know…. I’m working on a new book, a new online program that aligns the heart of woman with the heartbeat of nature…. I’m living small and simply and foregoing renovations for the sake of wanting pretty, shiny and new, and instead I’m learning how to love what is—exactly as it is.
If you ask me what I am doing, I must honestly answer that I am not sure, and yet I am sure it is right. I only know that I don’t have anything to prove and I don’t want to become anything, and that I simply want to un-become and assure myself that if I make it to old and feeble that I look back at my life, having not played it safe but instead having lived deep and bold and taken the necessary risks to make my skin crack, making way for a grand version of my soul.
I am not sure what I am doing, exactly, and that’s okay. But I know that I want to feel what it feels like to know that in the marrow of my bones I am stronger THAN I THINK I am… I want to always be brave and wild and willing to stand in my aloneness, if that’s what it takes to keep my life aligned with the heartbeat of nature.
There will be more, dear Ones. But for now, I just wanted to say that I am here, and I am chanting, and practicing, and praying on your behalf, and mine. I am paying attention to the signs and how things make me feel, to better prepare me to do whatever is necessary to provide the space for other’s spiritual renovations, and for their acceptance for what is — as it is :: Both / And.
Pragmatically, I’m leading intimate retreats, embarking upon home construction in the house I recently purchased, to make it possible for students to come and do “home-study” with me, and to learn the Mexico I have grown to love deeply. I also have taken on a guiding partnership role with Gather Yoga Collective, an international organization committed to supporting the growth of yoga communities and teachers across the globe, and look forward to how that will unfold in 2019.
But really, dear Ones. That is All. I’m living quietly these days. Looking in the eyes of those I love, and calling my mother more than I used to.
I’d love to hear from you (and I’ll answer, I promise). You can find me by sending an email to firstname.lastname@example.org or a text or call to 503-780-4034. I would love to hear from you and to know what is most alive for you in your life, or for you to just say, “hola”.
Whatever you are doing, whether or not you have any sense of what the heck it is, and if it’s even important — KEEP GOING… You’re doing fine…. and I wish for you the most bold and simultaneously peaceful transition into 2019.