Like Blood.

I welcomed the women, one by one, in the threshold of the historic apartment - converted into a studio - for an evening of sister stuff : laughter, sharing, story, music, truth telling, and reverence…. They said things like, “welcome home”, “Ive missed you”, and “I soooo need this tonight!”.

IMG_9351.JPG

I was awed by how many “worlds” converged in this little fourth floor studio : people I met some twenty five years ago when I was merely a seed of the woman I am now. People who have been married, divorced, widowed, survived cancer and bankrupcy, gone from having toddlers to college graduates, uneducated to touting PhDs, from lost to found. There were others I’ve only known for a few years in deep spiritual tradition, and some I was meeting for the first time. I found myself saying under my breath, “thank you for brining me here”…. over and over again — as if to say that after all the loss and change and evolution, simply being with these women for a few hours was like coming upon a sandbar while swimming a great distance in open water.

The topic of the evening was Throb :: Returning to the Heartbeat of Nature. Some asked, inquisitively, if it was a topic of sexuality. (the answer is yes, but only in so far is ALL creative energy is sourced in union, just as devotional sex unifies us with something greater than ourselves). Some women laughed as they had no idea why they had come but knew it was true and right to be there.

That is how these things are.

That, I have learned, is how women are… deep and resonant, trusting, and willing….. to move with a natural, unpredictable rhythm that is unseen, mysterious, and most certainly, Hers.

Throb came to me about five years ago when I ventured for the first time ever on a solo retreat - to Mexico and Cuba. I sat in my hotel room, contentedly alone, overlooking the ocean, realizing that at 43 years old I had NEVER rented a hotel room just for me…. my blood pulsed thick as I felt the rightness of being there — just like that — all by myself.

I realized, in my mediation that day, that our lives are like blood. We rush (and sometimes gush) forward in waves of expansion, production, and expression, and then, like blood pulses through our veins, there is a magnetism that draws us back to our own center, our own knowing, and to stillness…. perhaps only for a flash or perhaps for a little while longer… and then it begins again… sometimes the push forward is strong and penetrating, while other times it is gentle and whispers us ahead. Similarly, when we draw back, it can be like the way the ocean draws us to her belly, or it can simply be the way we lean against a tree when we find ourselves stopping to chat with a neighbor we’ve missed, while out for our morning walk.

However it is, what I know is that the quality and force of the way our blood throbs through our being — is both all that we do and all that we are… it is the impulse of divinity moving through us. It is our nourishment… It tells the story of what we’ve eaten, the conversation we just had, the state of our most intimate relationships, our contentment and how well we slept last night. It tells us if we are cold or dehydrated. It tells us if we are lost. It tells us if we are on the right track.

And we seldom go to it…. how often do you take your own pulse? How often have you considered how your heartbeat and the energetic throb that moves through your veins 24-7 is the ONLY moving part of you that came directly from your mother, and your grandmother, and your grandmother’s grandmother? How often do you listen to the wisdom within your own body…. can you feel how you are — I mean… how you really are? Can you feel how the little girl you were and the old woman you will become all live within that sweet wisdom throb?

This is all still formulating —so much so that I’ve hardly the language for what is to come… and I’ve learned to honor the moments in my life when the impulse to draw back calls me close to my own bones.

So I am here….. pulsing, throbbing, listening, and reMEMBERing how I, we, all of this…. is like blood — journeying forward and back and forward again… forcing nothing, receiving everything….

And so I am just sharing: sharing what is throbbing through me, as I return to Mexico after three weeks in the USA…. as I return to my home as a construction site — fashioning sky spaces into bedrooms and rooftops into a yoga studio and dining area.

In the meantime, reach out as you will. And may we remember to love each other in the quiet moments, and I hope someday you join me here, in this place I now call h{OM]e.

om. amen. aha.

love, B