So, it looks like this:
Somedays I am like the sweetest little, clearest little, BIGGEST little yogini with it ALL together.
You know where this is going.
And then, other days, I wake up and realize that I am still. Still struggling. I think, "WAHOO!!! I am enlightened!"
Okay, so I don't really think this, Thank GODDESS.
But I DO think, for about a half a second, that I got it goin' on.
And then something hits me.
Out of the blue. A side of me comes bubbling out of big fat nowhere... and I emotionally vomit on someone... or maybe I just emotionally vomit in my mouth a bit. Either way, it aint pretty, and I can't help but respond to my momentary insanitary moment of insanity: "I am SO NOT enlightened."
And then there is this wave of emotion... a big wave. with a lot of emotion. Ever been there? Sad, ashamed, guilty, lost, defeated? If you have, you also know that it passes.
I heard this amazing interview with a long time supporter and arch bishop friend of Mother Theresa's. He said that she struggled most days. That she was convinced that the way to move beyond struggle was to serve in great ways. I appreciate that. I appreciate that one of the women I look up to the most ALSO woke up worried, uncertain, and sad some days. It didn't stop her. It won't stop me. And it doesn't have to stop you.
Hhhmmm. How do YOU serve in great ways? How do I? That is my question of the day.
I love my life. I LOVE that everything is unpredictable. That the way I thought I would spend the last three weeks went up in smoke somewhere, and instead I found myself having to stay close to my home, my family, and my "role" as wife and servant. Good for me, ya know. I also love that some days the biggest challenge I face is that at night my own heartbeat is so loud that it annoyingly wakes me up. Rough life, ya know? To live in such a quiet environment in the country that I am the only one around annoying enough to piss myself off. Wow. I am so not enlightened.
But what I AM is ready to give more. Rise up. Be more. Sometimes I just want to be pushed, ya know?
And then I get pushed. And then I WANT not to be pushed. See how complicated this is? I desire something other than where I am. Sound familiar?
That is the nature of humanity: we. DESIRE. We do, you know. It's a super big part of who we are. We DESIRE. It is how we turn ourselves UP to be more, rise on up, and it's how we know the magic.
Push yourself to that edge, I say. The way I do it is different than the way you might. I put myself out there amidst horse dung, blue tarps, unfinished business, dog poop, and full on vulnerability (yes, there was time I called Saraswati a "skinny bitch" to her face… not one of my more glamorous moments, sitting in front of my alter, directing profanities at a wooden carving, but a true one). We aren't perfect. And yet, we SO are.
Anyway, tangent. What I know is that if you ask Danielle LaPorte, Brene Brown, Rod Stryker, my teachers, and so many others, that the bottom line is LOVE yourself. (don't puke when I say that. PUH-lease don't puke). But know that who you are, as you are, in this very pure and real and honest and impeccably perfect moment is ENUF. You. R. ENUF. Just like this. When your gray has grown out, you bit your cuticles, said some "choice" words, or ate ALL of the apple crisp left in the pan... Yup. Still ENUF. Still loveable. Still Love. Still ALL That.
I love that about you.